Life can be kind of funny, and I don’t necessarily mean in a LOL WHAT kind of way. I had a blog post half written\/outlined in my head about something that had been consuming a lot of my brain power lately, and a series of events that, depending on how much you read into it, may or may not even have been events at all, let alone related to each other. But to me, they were important events and they were related for a reason. I was having a hard time figuring out if my view on the matter was legitimate\/realistic, but I was unable to put myself in anyone else’s shoes to get their point of view. Then this morning I had a pretty important realization that helped make some other pieces fall into place, which was exactly what I was hoping for by making the blog post in the first place.
\nBUT… Instead you’re reading this post because, like I said, life can be kind of funny.
\nSo there you are, skating along at a pretty good clip, full of pride, and feeling really good about pretty much everything. I mean, you’re mostly unstoppable now. Nobody can derail you. A juggernaut, really. But then YOU slip. Nobody pushes you. You don’t hit a patch of bad ice… You make the mistake yourself, and you fall. HARD! And you lose your breath. And your eyes almost well up. And the embarrassment rolls in, along with an unbelievable amount of disappointment in yourself. Because you know this place. You’ve been here before. The shame makes you wear your hat low over your eyes, because there is no way you can face anyone at that point. And that thing that had been taking up so much of your brain space is shattered and probably gone forever. And if it’s not gone forever, then it’s changed in a way that you never wanted. And there is no reset button to press. No undo keystroke to go back in history. And the worst part of all is that you KNEW what you were doing, and you knew that it maybe wasn’t such a smart thing to do, but you did it anyways. And you did it to such an UNDESERVING person. Because you’re a goon.
\nI think the worst thing about doing something to someone or disappointing someone is that you don’t do it to just them. You do it to them, and everyone that has their back. And in this case, the people that have this person’s back mean a lot to me too. And I was supposed to be one of those people that has this person’s back. I guess my actions show that I don’t. And that adds another layer of disappointment. And you’re searching and searching for a reset button that you know isn’t there. And all you can really do is say you’re sorry, but the fact of the matter is that if you were really sorry, you never would have done the thing in the first place, right?
\nThis has happened before, and I’m sure it will happen again. It had been so long since this last happened… So long since I’ve felt this terrible, I think I really believed that I would never have to feel this way again. I guess I thought I had enough things figured out that I would be able to avoid ever having to feel like this. Clearly, I was wrong.
\nAnd I’m still sorry.
\nReally!<\/p>\n
Life can be kind of funny, and I don’t necessarily mean in a LOL WHAT kind of way. I had a blog post half written\/outlined in my head about something that had been consuming a lot of my brain power lately, and a series of events that, depending on how much you read into it, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s4uym-blank","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":804,"url":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/2008\/01\/08\/the-suck\/","url_meta":{"origin":790,"position":0},"title":"The Suck","date":"January 8, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"(posted by Balou) So December 2007 was truly the suck for me. I held very high hopes for January 2008. So far - with the exception of a few specific events - it doesn't seem to be shaping up any better. Or maybe I'm just PMS-ing. Whatever it is, well\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 5 comments","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1137,"url":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/2009\/05\/13\/the-view-from-room-1136\/","url_meta":{"origin":790,"position":1},"title":"The view from room 1136!","date":"May 13, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"The view from room 1136!, originally uploaded by FANLESS.","rel":"","context":"Similar post","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":161,"url":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/2006\/06\/15\/harlem-motocross-2\/","url_meta":{"origin":790,"position":2},"title":"Harlem Motocross","date":"June 15, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Harlem Motocross 02, originally uploaded by harlemfur. Hmmm... Looks like a Kawasaki... Looks like it has a #7 on it... Skin looks a little darker than mine... MUST BE JAMES STEWART zOMGz!1!! Check out the rest of the set! (and no, these are not my pics. And it's not really\u2026","rel":"","context":"In \"LOL INNERNETS\"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":141,"url":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/2006\/05\/23\/and-hows-your-busch\/","url_meta":{"origin":790,"position":3},"title":"And how’s your Busch?","date":"May 23, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Three years ago today I woke up in St. Louis, Missouri! Our first stop of the day was Anheuser-Busch! (just fine, and yours?? - I pretty much said that every time someone said Anheuser-Busch. GET IT??) Photo Opportunity! (plz note Brandon's Stoner Drug shirt!) Kim and Brandon. After our tour\u2026","rel":"","context":"In \"Back home, years ago.\"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":379,"url":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/2007\/02\/08\/take-me-now\/","url_meta":{"origin":790,"position":4},"title":"take me now","date":"February 8, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"Somehow, I have become very intolerant of people who \"talk funny\". I have no idea why. In particular, the Sitepoint.com guy in this podcast is driving me crazy. Maybe it has something to do with the incredible headache\/sore left eye I have today. My eyes have actually been hurting ever\u2026","rel":"","context":"In \"Uncategorized\"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":192,"url":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/2006\/07\/06\/its-a-sledgehammer\/","url_meta":{"origin":790,"position":5},"title":"It’s a Sledgehammer!","date":"July 6, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Andre's kid, Aaron, is here from Denmark for the summer, and he brought a friend. I think they're both 10 years old. I loaned them my GT Show and Gary Fisher Lush Rush Cruiser for them to ride while they're here. The only problem (besides 4 flat tires) was that\u2026","rel":"","context":"In \"Riding\"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"builder_content":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/790"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=790"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/790\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=790"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=790"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.torianus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=790"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}