Dec 26 2007
Life can be kind of funny, and I don’t necessarily mean in a LOL WHAT kind of way. I had a blog post half written/outlined in my head about something that had been consuming a lot of my brain power lately, and a series of events that, depending on how much you read into it, may or may not even have been events at all, let alone related to each other. But to me, they were important events and they were related for a reason. I was having a hard time figuring out if my view on the matter was legitimate/realistic, but I was unable to put myself in anyone else’s shoes to get their point of view. Then this morning I had a pretty important realization that helped make some other pieces fall into place, which was exactly what I was hoping for by making the blog post in the first place.
BUT… Instead you’re reading this post because, like I said, life can be kind of funny.
So there you are, skating along at a pretty good clip, full of pride, and feeling really good about pretty much everything. I mean, you’re mostly unstoppable now. Nobody can derail you. A juggernaut, really. But then YOU slip. Nobody pushes you. You don’t hit a patch of bad ice… You make the mistake yourself, and you fall. HARD! And you lose your breath. And your eyes almost well up. And the embarrassment rolls in, along with an unbelievable amount of disappointment in yourself. Because you know this place. You’ve been here before. The shame makes you wear your hat low over your eyes, because there is no way you can face anyone at that point. And that thing that had been taking up so much of your brain space is shattered and probably gone forever. And if it’s not gone forever, then it’s changed in a way that you never wanted. And there is no reset button to press. No undo keystroke to go back in history. And the worst part of all is that you KNEW what you were doing, and you knew that it maybe wasn’t such a smart thing to do, but you did it anyways. And you did it to such an UNDESERVING person. Because you’re a goon.
I think the worst thing about doing something to someone or disappointing someone is that you don’t do it to just them. You do it to them, and everyone that has their back. And in this case, the people that have this person’s back mean a lot to me too. And I was supposed to be one of those people that has this person’s back. I guess my actions show that I don’t. And that adds another layer of disappointment. And you’re searching and searching for a reset button that you know isn’t there. And all you can really do is say you’re sorry, but the fact of the matter is that if you were really sorry, you never would have done the thing in the first place, right?
This has happened before, and I’m sure it will happen again. It had been so long since this last happened… So long since I’ve felt this terrible, I think I really believed that I would never have to feel this way again. I guess I thought I had enough things figured out that I would be able to avoid ever having to feel like this. Clearly, I was wrong.
And I’m still sorry.